All My Possible Selves

Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius's Theory about "All My Possible Selves"

Inside each of us exists a gallery of images: versions of what we could have been, would like to be, or are afraid of becoming. Hazel Markus and Paula Nurius called these images "possible selves". Not mere fantasies, but maps that guide the course of our lives.

In midlife and the periods that follow, this gallery becomes crowded. Some of these possible selves have become reality, some have been abandoned along the way, and some still wait. The question is not whether we will realise all of them or not. The question is: what can we do with the rest?

Three Categories of Possible Selves

Hoped for selves: Those versions of ourselves that we dream of becoming. Perhaps "a writer who has something to say", "a mentor who makes a difference", "a more intimate partner", or "a traveller who has seen unseen horizons". These are our guiding lights.

Feared selves: Those images that make us tremble at the thought of becoming them. "Someone forgotten by others", "a person without impact", "one who has stopped learning". These fears are not meant to paralyse us but to warn us.

Expected selves: Those versions that we think we are most likely to become. They are usually more realistic, but sometimes they arrive too cautiously.

Four Questions for a Conversation with Our Possible Selves

Perhaps it might be good to sit down occasionally and review a list of our possible selves without censorship. Then, next to each one, we could ask ourselves these questions:

Is this possible self still valuable to me?
Some aspirations belonged to an earlier version of ourselves. If the answer is no, let them go. Conscious release is not failure; it is growth.
Can I provide the necessary resources to move closer to it?
Time, energy, skill, health, social support, and whatever else is needed to reach that goal. Sometimes these resources can be provided directly, sometimes indirectly (for example, learning a related skill or seeking help from others). If there is absolutely no way to provide them, perhaps it is time for revision. But if there is a way, even indirect, to make them available, that possible self still deserves attention.
What is the smaller possible version of this self?
Instead of "becoming an astronaut", perhaps we could become a "space traveller". Instead of "a writer who has won a Nobel Prize", we could write a book from our own knowledge and experience that becomes a guiding light for future generations. These smaller versions still create a new possible self: "someone who is on the path".
Can the value behind this self be transferred to another form?
If we cannot travel to every corner of the earth, perhaps we could plan and realise a thematic journey (for example, focused on history, nature, zoology, culture, etc.) and create a comprehensive experience of the planet in a thematic way. If we can no longer become a professional athlete, perhaps we could start a sports club and realise our dream of athletic success together with our team. Transferring value is a way to keep from stopping.

Four Paths for Confronting Unrealised Possible Selves

The theory of possible selves shows us that there are several natural paths for confronting those possible selves that have not yet become reality. No single path is superior to another; the choice depends on our situation and values.

Revision and adjustment: In this path, we redefine the original possible self in a more realistic way. For example, instead of "a professional globetrotter who has seen every country", "a traveller who experiences one deep thematic journey each year". Or instead of "an Olympic champion", "a sports coach who nurtures the next generation of champions". This path is a sign of psychological flexibility.

Substitution: Instead of that same possible self, we choose another self that shares a common value with it. Perhaps we could not become a "bestselling novelist", but becoming a "memoir writer" still preserves the value of narration and impact. Or instead of a "professional musician", becoming the "director of a local music society".

Conscious release: Sometimes the best choice is to set aside a possible self with awareness and without self blame, and to mourn it. Conscious release is fundamentally different from passive failure. This gives us energy to focus on other possible selves.

Continuation on a smaller scale: If that possible self is still very valuable to us and we are willing to pay its cost, we can continue trying on a smaller scale. It does not matter if we never reach the original version; the very act of trying creates a new possible self: "someone who never gave up".

A Practical Approach

Based on what we have reviewed so far, perhaps setting aside some time to select and pursue one of our possible selves might be worthwhile:

Create a list of your possible selves (handwritten, a phone note, any format you find comfortable). Then, next to each one, write your answers to the four questions above.
From among those selves you decide to keep or revise, choose one.
Design a practical plan to realise that chosen self. The plan could include weekly or monthly steps; what matters is that it feels doable for you.
After one year, look back. If you have realised that possible self to a satisfactory degree, move on to the next possible self. If you are still on the path, continue the same plan or revise it. There is no rush.

Closing Words

The theory of possible selves reminds us that our identity is never finished. At any stage of life we can rewrite some of our selves, set aside others, and create new ones. Perhaps the great regret lies not in unrealised dreams, but in dreams we never dared to review and choose consciously.

All my possible selves are not finished. They are only waiting for me to decide: which ones to walk with, which ones to bid farewell to, and which ones to take action on today, right now, to realise.